Where I want to be

My first career choice was to be a doctor, I think it was heavily influenced by one of my mum's friends. The older I grew, I realized I hate the sight of wounds and blood makes me feel super icky. My second dream was to be a police officer (I don't know why or how), third and my all-time fave was to be a "Sister-Professor" ( professor and nun), being at a Catholic school had me thinking nuns were really cool and Professor Nkandu Luo being the first female professor in Zambia had me feeling like I had to be one too. Then at some point, I was convinced I had to be a Lawyer, my mother fueled it by addressing me as State Counsel, on the other hand, my gramps wanted me to be a broadcaster (journalist), he felt it was more me because I talk a lot and I think I articulate myself well. 

Fast forward to now, I am a Public Relations student working in marketing and advertising, I think I like where I am, it's where I want to be that stresses me out. As a vision board hun, I have goals and these goals have timelines, if you asked me what I wanted my life to look like by 25, it involved me having my degree, about to start my Master's Degree, married or engaged to a gawjuss man, a Hilux, and cute home. 2 years post 25, I am in my third year of university, I'll probably get my Masters at 30, let's not think or ask about marriage because it looks too grown for me (LOL). 

When I left Cavendish in 2016, I was depressed, broken, lost and so much more. 2016 to 2020 were my darkest but strongest years, figuring out life while trying to be mentally okay, not feel embarrassed for suffering from PTSD and depression, and having to be okay with going to therapy without feeling judged, these were absolutely dark days. But my biggest hurt and now I feel one of the other reasons my depression dragged so long despite some parts of my hurt being managed was because I wasn't where I want to be. 

My Cavendish friends were graduating, getting jobs, and thriving at this life thing (or at least from my angle it looked like they were), then there I was, starting university again (for the third time) but this time I was warned, given pep talks, heard rumors and yelled at, that I couldn't mess up this time. I was in my first year when my first university intake mates were graduating, I cried so bad because I kept telling myself this should be me, I blamed and hated myself because I messed up, I let depression and playing ruin my life (or did it), I started slipping back into bad depression because I failed myself, I failed my mum, my grandparents, people were talking about how I am not serious, I am spoilt, etc, I heard it all. One day in my therapy session, I cried so bad because I just felt like a total failure, I have nothing to show for myself (or so I thought). 

That session changed a lot for me, how I think, how I react, and how I treat myself. Lesson number 1 was; if it's passed and you can't change it, why are you dwelling? , secondly, what are you doing to change the pattern, situation, or chapter of your life?. Those two questions are your building blocks to figuring out how to dig yourself out of the hole. So in typical human nature, you map out this bail plan, how you will rise again and soar, then somewhere in the middle of it all, life happens, and waisa jama! Back to square one, back to ngefi Mwe Lesa, or mwati fika balansapo ifwe. And you see, these tuma roadblocks carry so much power to draw you back, to confuse you, to overshadow all the work you have been putting into your rise. And to be honest, some days are hard-hard where you really just want a break or a reset but ka life kalifye muli "wala mwenako". I have had moments where I fail to pray about it, I just started having a one-on-one with God and I'm like so ifi, mule umfwa shani ati ndepita mumulilo aini? you know those jade conversations where you are just about done with life, you are tired of crying, so pain and frustration take you mu nseko.

Where I want to be has given me so much anxiety and the much-needed push to move up, but it's never a balanced experience, some days are extremely crippling, especially in the work and school balance life, but then other days it's the I need to get this done. But whatever the day or feeling, I need to get up! I did make one change though, I stopped putting time frames to my vision board goals, for my own sanity because sometimes when I don't achieve what I wanted to by a certain period I get really sad and the failure complex hits me. So now, I just use them as motivational reminders, of what I want to achieve and why I do what I do, of course, I would like some done sooner rather than later, but I have chosen to give myself room to fail, to rest, to grow and to revisit some goals if they don't work or are not feasible at that moment in time. 

I know someday I will get to where I want to be, the New Kasama house, Hilux ya charcoal gray, Cute book cafe, dream job (First black female UN Secretary General 🕯🕯🕯). Till then, every block on this dream building counts. 

Don't be too hard on yourself for not achieving your goals according to how you hoped or planned to, you can still do it, don't feel guilty about resting, rebooting, or even just changing plans along the way. We all don't get the straight road, life is not Leopards Hill Road, we're not on a long drive listening to 90s RnB, kulaba ama stops, turns, and refueling spots. So be easy on yourself. 

Thank you for reading💕

With lots of love💖

Thee Talkative Aries♈