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Vulnerability and a little more

I made a very shocking discovery this past week, I AM HUMAN! (Shocking ey). I have been trying so hard to be more than human. Today's piece is a journal entry I felt I need to share, it will probably go onto my next podcast episode but before then, I want you to read about it. 
For those that have not been following my year, I fell in January and that was the beginning of a long and agitating journey. 
The morning after I fell, I went to my physiotherapist and she immediately sent me to go get an MRI, this was followed by a consultation with an orthopedic surgeon, and well the whole thing was mapped out, from surgery to the healing process, I was told by 6 months, you'll be good to go! If you know me! Ine? I was already planning what summer 22 would be like because the leg will be working. Fast forward to May, my health took an extra deep dive, and surgery was put on hold... Now you need to understand my agitation because we were approaching winter and immediately after winter is SUMMER! So kuchita shani apa because it's looking, real bookie... 
I have spent the greater parts of the past few months convincing myself I am in a good space, I have accepted my situation, and one day I will be fine whenever. Truth is, I am not... I am mad as hell, I am angry at the world, at medicine, at God, at myself... Like how did I miss my step that day? I was sober, surely I should have looked down and seen the floor was wet. I should have been careful ey? 
I fell ill at the beginning of the week, and as I lay on my hospital bed, my sister cracked jokes and at that moment I felt less alone, I felt less helpless. She saw I was in pain but she went out of her way to keep my mind less on the situation and more on trying to feel better. It was not easy but she tried. 
I have spent so much time being unhappy and it is draining but I realized that my human self is allowed to feel, I am allowed to be mad, I am allowed to be sad, I put up expectations on my health minus understanding that even the medical personnel are human and they are trying. Summer 22 went by and I spent a good part of it indoors looool but I am not mad at that, the groove will still be cutting whenever we come back lol. 
I am human and I feel.. still shocked lol I can now learn to LET GO AND LET GOD because all these expectations and hopes have broken me so much. 
I am a work in progress, I go to all my doctors' appointments with my fingers crossed for some better news, but I will try my best to be human and feel! So I can stop bottling things up and pretending all is well because it really isn't. 

As you wind up this read, I don't want you to awwww or worry about me, I want you to think of what chapters of your life have you thinking you are a superhero or you can't fold, I want you to talk to someone or journal about it, you can even cry if you want to. You are allowed to feel, you are human and you should never feel weak or unsteady about it. 

All in all, we remain grateful in every season!🌻

Thank you for reading 

Lots of love 💖

Thee Talkative Aries♈

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